Judy Greer

I've always laughed at those kinds of lists. I've just never thought of any of them as very realistic. I mean I have to admit that Angelina Jolie is beautiful. That's not what I'm saying. But, what if there was some gorgeous angel in a village somewhere that the researchers for People have never visited?

I just think they make it too easy on themselves. They don't scour the earth looking for people who actually might fit the profile. No! They look as far as the headlines for the celebrities in high profile to complete their little lists. How accurate could it be if we haven't lined up every beautiful woman in the world and examined them thoroughly?

Yes, we have beauty pageants that cover every country in the world. Women who wish to participate. But, not every beautiful woman participates. There's a farmer's daughter somewhere in Japan or a pub owner's sister in Ireland who don't give one iota for being in a beauty pageant. So, really those beauty pageants are only by default. We can only choose from the ladies who are willing to compete.

Sure, we come very close with our Hooter girls. And Hefner has the best idea of anyone for what a beautiful woman actually looks like. He's seen them. I just keep thinking that down by the river gathering water for her North African village is one lady that will blow them all away. But, she doesn't even know about a pageant or her beauty or some 100 most beautiful woman's list.

I wish those lists were named a little more accurately. They could be named 100 Most Beautiful Women In The World Of The Ones We Actually Know. Or why don't they just call it what it is? Just Another Competition Between The Celebrities. Suzy down the street doesn't get to play. This one is between Jennifer Anniston and Cherlize Theron, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. The celebrities get to see once again who is better than who. It's not as if they don't have enough of those already. That red carpet is getting pretty worn out.

What I have actually wrestled with over the years is who I would pick in my top five. I wrestle with it because I'm unorthodox. While most guys go for the obvious, the latest and greatest. I'm a diehard. I've stuck with the same twenty throughout the years. And I can't put them in order for who actually gets the top five. It all depends on when I'm thinking about it.

Watching Leaving Las Vegas with Nicolas Cage, the answer is Elisabeth Shue. She's got some kind of look in her eye that knocks me dead. But, when I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun, there's Diane Lane. My absolute favorite of all time! Until I watch Dangerous Minds and see Michelle Pfeiffer. Flipping through the channels I see Heather Locklear on Boston Legal. And what about Sarah Jessica Parker, Faith Hill, Shania Twain and oh...Carrie Underwood. And of course, Jennifer Anniston is on my list. She has to be! That was just a joke earlier. While I'm at it, Cherlize is too. And Lindsay Lohan for some reason.

But, did you notice? My list did not include any Pam, Paris or Britney. Mostly none of the beautiful women other men would choose would make my list for some reason. I mean, I see how beautiful they are. But, there's just something about them that keeps them off my list. And I can't figure it out. I've wrestled with it for years. Here's how the argument goes with me.

Who is more beautiful, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Anniston? My answer is Jennifer Anniston even though I do wrestle with it from time to time when I see a picture of Angelina Jolie in a foreign land spending time with a child. And she's for real about it too! She's no Madonna who comes from New York and tries to sound like she's British. The whole adoption thing with her was absolutely ridiculous. It's like she's trying to play catch up with Angelina like it's some kind of trendy thing to do. Anyway, see how I battle with it?

But, Jennifer wins out every time. Why? It's hard to explain. That's a funny conversation within itself.

"She's like the girl next door. Like she's not some supermodel or anything."

"But, she's as gorgeous as any of those supermodels."

"Oh, I know. I didn't mean it like that. But, there's something about her that's down to earth. She's more real to me."

And going over that conversation for you, I realized two more. Courtney Cox and Heidi Klum. It was the whole comparing Jennifer with a supermodel and I came up with Courtney and a supermodel. See how my mind works? How many is that so far anyway? It looks like in my top five, I have about thirteen. So, there's still a few missing.

But to get back to my point about Jennifer, it's the whole real thing that does it for me. Angelina with her gracious style like her every move is choreographed. She makes taking a shot of whiskey look sexy. She makes the look when the alcohol burns her mouth look like you want a drink, not just a drink, her drink, not just her drink, her. Total sexy. All the time.

But, Jennifer I watched through the years in Friends. I've seen her sick. I've seen her cry. I've seen her in her pajamas with a busted lip. She was always gracious and always gorgeous. But, she was real.

It's like the sitcom wives. None of them would ever grace a catwalk or even Peoples most beautiful blah, blah, blah. But, they are. They are real and they are absolutely gorgeous.

Everybody Loves Raymond's Patricia Heaton. Stunning, and yet real.

Still Standing's Jamie Gertz. Always did love her.

According to Jim's Courtney Thorne-Smith, I mean cute right?

You get the point? What's that make sixteen now? Getting closer.

But, I don't always follow my own rules. I mean, I have no idea what the Jessica Simpson thing is about. I just like her. It's like at the end of Dukes of Hazard when she was even in blue jeans. See, I'm not even talking about her in her Daisy Dukes. I'm talking about when she's walking toward the roadblock trying to cause a distraction. The look in her eyes and the way she cocked her head as she was walking one foot in front of the other. That did it for me.

But, my main strength is seeing what others don't. Look at who has been an unsung hero for years. The sidekick to Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. But, I first noticed her when she played a little part in an old David Schwimmer and Jason Lee movie entitled Kissing A Fool. Judy Greer stole one of the only scenes she was in when they finally realize Jason loves the girl his best friend David's been dating. Her jaw drops. She cocks her head. Then she scats out of the room. Her little part made the scene.

And then there's Ashley Judd. What gets me most about her is how she went out on her own. She was touring with her sister and her mother. But, that wasn't for her. She went off on her own and made her own name for herself. Boy, can she be sexy. And she is very real.

So, that brings me to one more left. What that actually means is that I have about thirty or forty in my top five. But, I'll spare you and just finish with that last one. I'll kick myself in the butt later for not including this one or not including that one. I just have to let you know that your jaw might drop. But, I have proof of how beautiful this lady can be. Bette Midler has a way of shooting a glance at the camera and knocking me dead.

So, that's basically my list of women I will never have. Women I would be lucky to even meet. But, I have a feeling. One day, I will be walking down the street minding my own business and I'll happen to look up just at the right time. I'll see her standing there. The most beautiful woman in the world. She'll talk to me in her Southern accent and I will completely melt. Then I will understand why People Magazine makes lists the way they do. I won't want the whole world knowing how beautiful she is either. Leave that competition to the ones who want it.